A Summer Recap + All Aboard the IVF Train

Here we are! Its the end of August and Jamie and I have had a very busy summer, but nonetheless a GREAT summer! Jamie is loving his new full-time accounting job and is balancing still working his part-time job pretty well, though sometimes working 60 hours a week every week does get him a little tired. I am in full swing preparing for the Chic Chateau Designer Showhouse that opens to the public on Friday, September 19th and continues through the last two weekends of September. I have been painting furniture and sewing pillows like a mad woman. I can't wait to show off the bedroom to everyone! Everything in the house is all DIY projects that are for sale at very reasonable prices and proceeds go to ARC of Greensboro, which is a non-profit that helps people with various disabilities in the Greensboro area. For more info about the show visit https://www.facebook.com/ChicChateauGSO.  Anywho...besides that I have been enjoying teaching a very full load of classes along with working part-time at the kitchen and bath showroom. Jamie and I are still amazed at all of the work we have and feel so blessed to have jobs we love.

Fall is quickly approaching and my head has been filled with lots of fall daydreaming. You know pumpkin spice lattes, trips to the mountains, watching the leaves change, and...BABIES! Yes, lots of daydreaming about babies. After many months of planning, we are excited to begin our IVF (in-vitro fertilization) cycle this fall.

A lot of emotions have filled this summer about IVF. Back in June we went to an IVF seminar that informed us about what our chances would be of getting pregnant and what the whole process would be like. Essentially, my chances were based off of my age and what is called your Anti-Mullerian Hormone (AMH). Essentially, your AMH level predicts the amount of eggs a woman has left. At the time of the seminar, we believed that based on my high AMH level taken last year would put us in extremely high chances of success with the highest possibility of having frozen embryos. Well life threw us a curve ball when I got back an updated AMH level that showed our chances for IVF had been reduced and that we have less than 25% chance of having any embryos to freeze. In the IVF world, almost all couples hope to have frozen because it means that you don't have to necessarily go through all of IVF again if you don't get pregnant the first time and it is much much less expensive to use frozen embryos than to do start a whole new IVF cycle (like at least a 1/4 of the cost).

Before this test result, I was so positive that IVF was going to work and that we would get the joy of being pregnant this year. But after I got those results, I started preparing my heart for the worst...going through all of this, not getting pregnant, and not having any frozen embryos. My mother-in-law really came in handy with some great advice. She reminded me of stories in the Bible where God purposefully reduced down peoples chances of success in various circumstances so that when He performed a miracle it would be even more glorious! Thank God I was blessed with great in-laws! Really! This was just what I needed to hear. She also assured me that she had a good feeling that it was going to work. Even though that seems like a small thing, I love to hear peoples intuition about how this is going to work for us.

Last week, I took some advice from a friend and started a countdown on our chalkboard in our kitchen to our IVF cycle. Next to the countdown, I put Jeremiah 29:11:

  "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, 

"plans to prosper you and not to harm you, 

plans to give you a future and a hope."

It seems small, but counting down every day and seeing that verse has started me on a path of cautiously hoping again. Well ...that and pinning lots of baby room ideas to a secret/hidden Pinterest board.

Last week, I received two very large boxes of my IVF medications. This is not an exact picture of my meds (actually I think I have more than this if you can believe it), but it can kind of give you an idea on the crazy amount drugs I will be shooting myself up with soon. I was really worried about the shots, being that I am pretty afraid of needles, but I decided that if I got nervous before taking a shot that I would play Christina Aguilera's "Fighter" song. Ha! Beat that nerves!

In all seriousness though, Jamie and I would love your prayers. Prayers that we can be transparent about this journey God has us on and that it will speak to others about His great amazing love. Prayers for the surgery I will undergo during this process. Prayers that Jamie and I can remain hopeful no matter what the outcome. And lastly...bold prayers that this would work!

Beyond Blessed

So after I read my last post as a refresher on where I left off, I realized that A LOT has happened since my in the last few months. This past spring, I had a couple of interviews with different universities for faculty positions. Jamie and I were really torn about the idea of leaving Greensboro, but also felt a great peace about the idea of a move. We basically left the decision up to the Lord and man did he have some awesome stuff in store for us, but first let me tell you about my temper tantrum.

This past spring Jamie had accepted a temporary tax season internship with a local accounting company who assured him that if he worked hard they would probably be able to make him an offer for a full-time permanent position that would start in September of 2014. Being that he accepted this internship last fall, we really grieved over the idea of waiting almost a whole year for him to be employed full-time, but somehow we knew that we could make it through and held onto hope that they would make him a full-time offer. This tax season Jamie worked his tail off between working lots of overtime with his internship and continuing his part-time position in the evenings doing land-survey drafting. Some nights he wouldn't get home until 10pm from his internship and then he would stay up until 2am working his second job. But after a long tax season, came the time when Jamie was pulled into the partners office and was told how impressed everyone was with him...but they did not have it in their budget to hire anyone right now. He later found out that they also let full-time people go after the tax season. This was the second time Jamie had worked an internship hoping for a full-time offer and I could tell he was really disappointed. Well, I definitely had some very real moments where I was flat out angry with God. How could he let this happen...AGAIN? I encouraged Jamie to study his butt off for his final section of the CPA exam, so during the summer accounting interview season he would have "Passed the CPA Exam" on his resume.

Then the miracles starting happening...no really....

In the first part of May, I calculated up all that we had saved for our fertility treatments. I think my response went something like this..."Wait! What? Let me check this again....ummm...Noooo? Really? Oh My Gosh!!!!" What I discovered is that after a year of temporary and part-time jobs, we had reached our goal of what we needed to move forward with the fertility treatments. The burden of having to save thousands of dollars was now lifted. I called Jamie in to the living room and told him. We were both in shock and prayed with tears of thanksgiving.

Now began the hard part...making sure we didn't use the money!! I created a budget for the summer based on really tight spending and lets be realistic summers are always more expensive, but based off of this budget we would need to use a couple thousand from our savings just to make ends meet. I totally understand that some people would see this alone as a blessing to have savings like this and we did, but being that we worked so hard to save for our fertility treatments, the idea of taking out a loan seemed a little sad. For those of you who know me, I can be a little bit OCD. So I wrote on a giant poster the additional amount we needed and taped it to the fridge so we didn't have to dip into savings. I told Jamie you and I have to work together to make this amount extra this month and every time we make extra money we would put it on the goal poster. We thought of ideas such as me selling extra furniture, Jamie mowing lawns on the weekends, and so on and so forth. Around this time, I had an interview with a local design company, but it quickly became clear to me that it was not a good fit.

About a week or so later, I woke up in the middle of the night...4am to be exact and had the crazy idea to go apply at a local kitchen design company that I had heard about. The next day I walked in off the street with a resume in hand and got a part-time job that paid over what I was hoping for per hour, was willing to work around my teaching schedule, AND they gave me my own office. After updating our budget, we discovered God met almost exactly what we needed for the summer months so we could keep our "baby fund" intact.

The last week of May, Jamie took his final section of the CPA exam. He anxiously awaited the results, but I knew he passed. Come on this is Jamie we are talking about! He is one of the smartest guys I know. As we waited, he was called in for 3 interviews for the first week in June. Wow! Three interviews in one week! Awesome! The last interview he had was on a Friday morning for a Tax Accounting position, exactly what he wanted, AND he had a really good feeling about the company. Only a few hours after leaving the interview he found out he had passed the last section of his CPA exam! We were able to craft some really fun thank you e-mails to the company updating them with the news.

Monday afternoon the company he interviewed with on Friday called him with a really good offer and Tuesday he accepted it. Ahhhh! After a year of praying for him to find a full-time position with lots of sadness, hoping, and tears, God finally opened the right door and we didn't have to wait for him to start this fall, which is when most tax positions start.

The next day after Jamie accepted his new position, I went to check the mail. Inside was a random $500 check from a family member just because. I started weeping in the driveway. Jamie came out and asked "what's wrong?" I just passed him the card and the check. We both were in shock. I literally cried through the tears "God this is too much! We don't deserve this."

Amusingly the Saturday night we went out celebrate his job, I got the last and final rejection letter in the mail from my faculty search. At that point, I already knew that those doors were closed and I really felt a huge amount of peace over it. I am teaching interior design at two colleges, and working several design jobs, including owning my own business. Plus, my husband just got his dream job and we get to stay in Greensboro with our friends, our church, and our community. I couldn't have worked out something this perfect even if I tried.

In fact, this past Monday was Jamie's first day at his new job. They escorted him to his new desk and on it was a huge gift basket and a card welcoming him to the team with signatures of all the employees. At lunch they gathered a big group of people to go out and celebrate his first day. How nice is that? Medical insurance is going to kick in right when we need it too so we can move forward with our dreams of getting pregnant and growing our family.

Wow! It is like everything just fell into place after all of our waiting for the job situation to be worked out. Words cannot express my gratitude and praise for all that God has been doing to make all of this happen. Let me be clear...I don't believe in the prosperity gospel or the "name it and claim it" mentality. In fact in this life there can be moments, months, or years that can be downright heart wrenching. Especially lately there has just been some very very hard things going on with some of my friends and my family members. In those tough times it can be extremely hard to believe that God still loves you.  At least that is how I feel during the hard times, but I always find joy in hearing how others came out on the other end of those trials. I am still struggling with the fact that we are not pregnant. Mother's Day this year was my hardest yet. But I am finding hope in all the answered prayers from the past two months and I am getting excited to see what God is going to do next.

The Precipice of Possibility

A lot has happened since I last wrote. This winter was extremely hard and I know that I am not the only one who felt this way. Sleet, ice, rain, snow, and drudgery seemed to be the common denominator in my life and perhaps in yours as well. The bad weather was combined with failed months of trying to conceive, and I had some very real moments of bitterness and begging with the Lord. Though it seems cliché, I did ask Him “why?” a lot.  Then came the sunshine.

The sun started to peak through across the beautiful state of North Carolina and around the same time God began revealing a few possible answers to my “Why” questions. I had applied to some academic positions a few months back and calls and e-mails started rolling in for interviews. Last summer, when I submitted applications, they were to places that Jamie and I really did not want to move to, but we thought “what the heck let’s just put our name in the pot and see what happens”. Needless to say, though I struggled with some feelings of rejection, our general response was that we were almost relieved that God closed doors for us and we were able to stay in Greensboro. The interesting thing was that last summer I came up with a list of schools that I wanted to keep on my radar in terms of places Jamie and I would enjoy moving to. Let me just say that list was extremely small. Early this year, many of the schools that were on my list had position vacancies, so I eagerly applied.

Just this week, I participated in an all day campus visit (read as all day interview) at one of those schools. The discussions that day seemed like they went extremely well and the experience was beyond anything I was expecting. Many of my teaching goals and objectives aligned well with their student-focused culture and to be honest, it seems like the perfect fit.

So now what? Jamie and I will be waiting for several weeks on a decision, but this waiting is different than one I have experienced before. I feel truly at peace with God’s decision for us to move or God’s decision for us to stay. I can see benefits to both and Jamie and I are 100% on the same page, which has been such a blessing. After moving to Greensboro Jamie repeatedly kept saying that he hoped we could settle here forever. Last year, Jamie and I visited the place where this position is located and I remember him saying very calmly, “I could see us living here.” I remember looking at him, with a “really?” face. The crazy thing is there were no academic positions in the area at that time and I saw no possible way for God to move us there, but now all of that has changed.

If we were to move, our lives would change very rapidly and we would be packing to leave Greensboro by mid-summer. However, our deepest desire is that whether we stay or we go God will bring us children. My biggest worry is how these two possible worlds could combine in harmony…world one being a new academic position and world two being the dream to be a mom. I often whine to God and I have realized that a lot of my whining comes from the fact that I am not in control. But at some point throughout this spring, it dawned on me that if I was given the freedom to choose any of the possible outcomes for our lives in this next year and put together a seamless plan that the weight of that choice would be extremely heavy and I would very likely choose the wrong path. It was in that moment I realized the true freedom of my faith, which is that God knows me even better than I know myself and He is working all of these things out with my best interest in mind. Does that mean He always gives me everything I want? No. However, He does deeply love me, know me, and care for me every day.

One area that often is the most sad for me, is the idea of leaving all of our close friends behind. However, I feel like God also revealed something by showing me that a lot of our close friends are either moving away in the next year OR they are beginning to have their own families and will be more preoccupied with young children. I often tease my friends, that if we move I want you to move with us, and if we stay you have to stay with us. The truth of this concept is that I want the world to revolve around me. Well, I am just being honest. We all have our self-absorbed moments and I certainly have too many of them. Regardless, Jamie and I have been so blessed with amazing friends and mentors.

As the Episcopalians like to say at the end of their services, “Send us now into the world in peace, and grant us strength and courage to love and serve you.” The reoccurring theme this spring has been to throw open the gates and the realm of possibilities and to let him choose for us and rest in the peace that he will meet our needs. My prayers at this point are not that I get this position, but rather that God closes the door if this is not the right fit. To me that would be just as good of an answer.

The Pain of 2013 and The Hope of 2014

I am not going to sugar coat it, 2013 was an extremely difficult year for Jamie and I. There were times where we both wished that we could have laid our head down and slept through it. Infertility, struggles with our weight, job loss, unemployment, and months with great financial uncertainty, could basically summarize the year we went through. Every month made us feel more and more raw and exposed. Sometimes the only thing I could muster to pray was "Lord have mercy on us." One of my wishes that I often expressed to Jamie was simply that I wished I could hold in more and become desensitized to the situations we were facing, due to the fact that I had a lot of moments in 2013 where my tearful moments were on display. I still hold a lot of shame for those times even though I know it is healthy to have vulnerable weak moments.

There were only a few months at the beginning of the year where we could afford to seek out infertility treatments; however, the rest of the year was painful for us to waste good months all because we were unsure of jobs, finances, and health insurance. After losing quite a bit of weight on a low carb diet, with each difficult month the clothes that I bought during the height of my weight loss got tighter and tighter until they couldn't fit anymore and I returned to the clothes I wore before losing the weight. The same month that Jamie graduated from graduate school, was the same month that my full-time teaching position was cut from the budget. We were left relying on Jamie's continued part-time work, my part-time teaching work over the summer, and an occasional client from my new business, which we always saw as a sign of God's grace. However, from August until the end of the year, I greatly missed teaching and being with my students and Jamie and I both missed the income. Every month we learned how to live on less and less, until our spending became as a lean as it could get. Learning how to live on less has taught us some valuable lessons that we are continuing this year. We were blessed to have some savings, which we refer to as our "baby fund" and with every spending decision we made, we fought to keep that money in savings. It is a true miracle, given our job situation, that we still have a significant portion of that savings still available for infertility treatments. Twice over the past three months we have unexpectedly received contributions to this fund. Let me tell you, I still am almost speechless about this. It brings tears to my eyes even thinking about the hearts of those who are praying for us and who have blessed us in this way.

When the ball dropped on New Year's Eve, Jamie and I kissed, wished 2013 good riddance, and agreed that 2014 was going to be our year of hope. In January, I started teaching a couple interior design courses at a program in Durham and was offered work to teach part-time from the program that I taught in before. Jamie started working full-time hours at a firm for tax season and is expecting to get a lot of overtime hours. He is continuing his part-time land surveying work from home in the evenings and studying to take his third (out of fourth) section of his CPA exam in any other spare minutes he can scrounge up. We don't get a lot of time together, and though we miss each other, we consider that a little bit of a blessing because we feel so thankful for work. Many a morning I have been driving to class and have broken down in tears of thanksgiving for the blessing to go to a job, and not just any job, but one that I love so dearly.

We are continually praying that the company Jamie is working for seasonally will have a full-time opening for him later this year. I was considering trying to find an additional part-time job outside of teaching to build our "baby fund", but instead I have been enjoying working on various furniture projects throughout the month and selling them for a profit. Jamie and I both joined Weight Watchers last week in hopes of getting back on track with a more healthy lifestyle.

Because 2013 was such a wash in terms of feeling like we were making progress in our journey to have children, we are really insistent that 2014 not go to waste and that we use it to try several types of infertility treatment. Originally we were planning to have one good in-vitro fertilization (IVF) try; however, the thought of spending one whole year on just one try seemed sad. So Jamie and I have decided to undergo a few more intrauterine inseminations (IUI's) before proceeding with IVF. We are not really expecting the IUI's to work due to our low chances. However, it would be a miracle for one of the iui's to work and save us from the expensive road that IVF entails. We prayfully feel like this is the road we need to take and have sought counsel from many people. Sometimes I worry that sharing this much information will cause people to want to put their two cents in and I would politely ask that unless they are kind supportive thoughts, that you keep them to yourself. This road is painful to walk through and I beg of you to be cautious of that. I have been the one saying all of the wrong things to someone with infertility before I was married. Here is a great article about "What Not to Say To an Infertile Couple." Reading this really would have saved me some embarrassment in a lot of things that I said.

So goodbye 2013. Sayonara! Peace out! Adios! As N'Sync would have said "Baby Bye Bye Bye." I did my best to learn from the path God had us walk through on this really sucky year and I am holding onto hope that 2014 will be our year or at the very least one year closer to Jamie and I growing our family and having the children we so desperately want. Greetings 2014! Howdy! Good to see ya! Let's do this!

Using Times Of Waiting and Suffering To Be Productive and Trusting in The Lord

A lot has happened since my last few postings. Late August, September, and early October were especially difficult to get through knowing that our future of when we were going to be able to move forward with our infertility battle relied very heavily on Jamie finding a full-time permanent position. Slowly throughout the past several months we have been forced to face the reality that our dreams of pursuing children is not financially feasible right now. Jamie was able to secure a tax position for this spring, which we are so thankful for. However, it is temporary and that part does mean that our plans to move forward with our infertility journey is seriously on hold...maybe even for a year or more. So a lot of the reason I have not written lately is because being hopeful right now is too painful and thinking or writing about waiting another year to even move forward with the next step is extremely hard. With all that said, I am learning a lot during this period of waiting and would love to take this opportunity to share some of that with you!

Productivity 
The first thing that I am learning (and even as I write this is still sinking in) is that waiting is not just about painfully sitting down and watching time go by. God wants me to use this period of waiting to be be useful, fruitful, and productive. Daily I am taking steps to grow my business and be a great wife to the my husband. This is biblically based on Proverbs 31 verses 10-31.

Proverbs 31: 10-31 
Epilogue: The Wife of Noble Character
10 A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. 11 Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. 12 She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life. 13 She selects wool and flax and works with eager hands. 14 She is like the merchant ships, bringing her food from afar. 15 She gets up while it is still dark; she provides food for her family and portions for her servant girls. 16 She considers a field and buys it; out of her earnings she plants a vineyard. 17 She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks. 18 She sees that her trading is profitable, and her lamp does not go out at night. 19 In her hand she holds the distaff and grasps the spindle with her fingers. 20 She opens her arms to the poor and extends her hands to the needy. 21 When it snows, she has no fear for her household; for all of them are clothed in scarlet. 22 She makes coverings for her bed; she is clothed in fine linen and purple. 23 Her husband is respected at the city gate, where he takes his seat among the elders of the land. 24 She makes linen garments and sells them, and supplies the merchants with sashes. 25 She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come. 26 She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue. 27 She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. 28 Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: 29 "Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all." 30 Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised. 31 Give her the reward she has earned, and let her works bring her praiseat the city gate. 

This verse applies to me a lot as I seek to grow my business and make profitable decisions and investments. I have to admit that I love this verse also, because it is empowering to women. It also means that I don't have to sit in a corner and cry for the next year in anguish. I can rejoice, pursue clients, and get busy using that time with the talents God has given me.

Suffering
The other thing that I am learning through this is that I should be joyful during my period of suffering. I know this sounds like a crazy pill to swallow and I by no means have fully digested this. I am just now starting to semi-accept and semi-understand this. In Acts Chapter 5 verses 40 and 41 the Apostles were persecuted for preaching the good news of Jesus and were whipped. After being whipped they left "rejoicing that they were counted worthy to suffer dishonor for the name." Every time I read this, I just think ....SAY WHAAA??? If someone beat me or purposefully made me suffer, my first instinct is not to run around singing and dancing with joy. Yet, this is what we are called to do in the verse below.   

James 1:2-4
Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.

Have you ever seen what you think is the perfect family? They have a sweet spirit, a husband and wife who love each other, kids who seem happy, are financially doing okay, and own their own home? Well, I have and my first thought is "man God really loves them and must be blessing the living crap out of them because they are so much less sinful than I am." This is a lie that I am slowly dismantling in my life. The truth is the Apostles suffered greatly for their belief in Christ. Their suffering was not a punishment for things they did in college...opps I mean in their past. 

Trust

Several weeks ago when Jamie was in a job interview, I was driving in the car and my prayer was not that Jamie would get the job, but rather that God's will would be done. I actually recall saying "God you know Jamie's personality and the personality of the people who work for this company. I completely trust you to open or close this door based on what you think is best for Jamie." God ended up closing the door, but I still trust that it was for the best. Through everything I am learning to trust God in this journey of waiting. 

My goal for the next year or so of waiting is to use this time of waiting wisely and to be productive with it. Also, to try and wrap my head around this idea of suffering joyfully for the Lord and trusting in his perfect timing. 

Warrior Women of The Infertility Infantry

This blog is a happy post about thankfulness! Sometimes I can get so mopy about all of the struggles that Jamie and I are going through, but truly I am extremely blessed and have so much to be thankful for...a wonderful husband, awesome friends, a great (rental) home that we are in love with, a wonderful church, and, best of all, an Awesome God! But lately, I have felt especially thankful for the warrior women of the infertility infantry.

Say whaaaat?? This group I refer to is made up of women who have been through infertility struggles for years and came out on the other end as mothers. Most of these women struggled for 5, 7, 10, 12+ years before becoming the moms they are today. In my church, there are several women from this club and I cannot tell you how much being in community with these women has meant to me!! I have had several women from this club mentor me, pray for me, and encourage me that God is still with me and we will have children in his perfect timing! Major sigh of thankfulness for all of their wisdom!

I call them the infantry because boy do they have spiritual war wounds! I also think the longer they were in the throws of infertility, the more revered they are for their wisdom. Like a little boy sitting next to his father listening closely to his war stories on the very edge of their seat, so I enjoy sitting and hearing all about their infertility journeys. Why? Because they give me hope! One of the things that I love about their stories is when their little ones come in and interrupt the conversation, because it is like jumping toward the back of a good book to see the happy ending of their story.

These women adopted, went through ivf, went through iui's, tried different medications, got poked and prodded, had their husbands tested for infertility markers, and the list goes on! All of them seem like they handled it differently. Some tell me "I just completely checked out after the 5th year" and "I did not handle my infertility very gracefully" (yeah I understand being in that club). I remember after my first negative pregnancy test thinking, "Oh God what if this takes us a year to get pregnant? I am not strong enough for that." I laugh about that now, because you never know what you can handle. The spiritual strength of these women is awe inspiring! Throughout this past year and a half I have really felt so loved on by these women! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

Proverbs 31:26 says
"She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue."

Tears, Insomnia, & A Constantly Changing Road

One thing about infertility is that almost nothing is what it seems. For months you can prepare yourself, pray, and plan for what steps to take next, but then out of nowhere you learn one new piece of evidence that means all plans have to change…again. After developing a plan with our doctor on how to move forward only two weeks ago, some recent test results that he ran ended up changing the infertility path we are suggested to take and, as per the uninvited trend during this process, proved that our next step was going to financially “up the ante” so-to speak.

As most couples who have struggled with infertility will tell you, it is not cheap and because of finances there ends up being a lot of months of waiting. So the waiting months turn into months for planning the hopeful months and stashing away money in savings like a squirrel hiding away nuts for winter. Unfortunately, in our case the most recent news of higher medical bills really has me losing sleep.

In fact, I can’t sleep now despite it being 3am so I thought I would do something semi-productive and write this blog. Odd thing about not sleeping is that I actually remember all of my husband’s sleep ramblings. Usually, they don’t phase me or bother me when I am knocked out, but when I can’t sleep, well let’s just say they contribute to a pretty good laugh the next day. Like tonight for instance Jamie yelled out “Wait! Hey! Can you get me the…(fade off into gibberish).”  Right after that he said “Okay! Cool! Thanks! I owe you one!” The weirdest ones are when I have my laptop on in bed late at night, I cough, and fully asleep he gets his face really close to see me with his eyes opened wide and says something random like “Can you get me teeth from the grocery store?” As the blue glow from my laptop makes this all the more creepy, I generally lay still like a drunk ghost was interrogating me until he rolls back over.

Another thing that the latest news has revealed is lots of tears and emotions. Have you ever seen “Something’s Gotta Give” with Diane Keaton and Jack Nicholson? Of course you have! Well remember that scene after they have their first kind of break-up and she cries A LOT. Yeah, let’s just say I can relate. However, it is not always sad tears. Sometimes I don’t know what the heck they are for! Earlier today, I had this vision of one of our children calling Jamie “Daddy” and I started balling. On Sunday during the last little bit of worship music, I cried quietly (well mostly quietly) in the back, then after service I quickly dashed out because I felt like I was an emotional grenade that could fall apart at any moment and was extremely embarrassed about being such a giant mess.

Usually, I am the one who has everything together, but come to think of it I have had several really embarrassing and ill-timed break downs lately. For example, one of my best friends and I met for appetizers at Coopers Ale House. She mentioned that her and her husband pray for God to bless us with children every day. Not a whole lot to say to that except…LETS GET READY TO CRUMBLE (and tears commence). Haha! Thankfully, good friends aren’t embarrassed by being with that weird ugly crier at the bar.

If you are reading this and you are also in a period of waiting on God, be assured that He is good! Every good gift comes from Him! He loves us even when we are a mascara-smeared mess. So to you, may I propose a toast…to letting your emotional freak flag fly!!