Tears, Insomnia, & A Constantly Changing Road

One thing about infertility is that almost nothing is what it seems. For months you can prepare yourself, pray, and plan for what steps to take next, but then out of nowhere you learn one new piece of evidence that means all plans have to change…again. After developing a plan with our doctor on how to move forward only two weeks ago, some recent test results that he ran ended up changing the infertility path we are suggested to take and, as per the uninvited trend during this process, proved that our next step was going to financially “up the ante” so-to speak.

As most couples who have struggled with infertility will tell you, it is not cheap and because of finances there ends up being a lot of months of waiting. So the waiting months turn into months for planning the hopeful months and stashing away money in savings like a squirrel hiding away nuts for winter. Unfortunately, in our case the most recent news of higher medical bills really has me losing sleep.

In fact, I can’t sleep now despite it being 3am so I thought I would do something semi-productive and write this blog. Odd thing about not sleeping is that I actually remember all of my husband’s sleep ramblings. Usually, they don’t phase me or bother me when I am knocked out, but when I can’t sleep, well let’s just say they contribute to a pretty good laugh the next day. Like tonight for instance Jamie yelled out “Wait! Hey! Can you get me the…(fade off into gibberish).”  Right after that he said “Okay! Cool! Thanks! I owe you one!” The weirdest ones are when I have my laptop on in bed late at night, I cough, and fully asleep he gets his face really close to see me with his eyes opened wide and says something random like “Can you get me teeth from the grocery store?” As the blue glow from my laptop makes this all the more creepy, I generally lay still like a drunk ghost was interrogating me until he rolls back over.

Another thing that the latest news has revealed is lots of tears and emotions. Have you ever seen “Something’s Gotta Give” with Diane Keaton and Jack Nicholson? Of course you have! Well remember that scene after they have their first kind of break-up and she cries A LOT. Yeah, let’s just say I can relate. However, it is not always sad tears. Sometimes I don’t know what the heck they are for! Earlier today, I had this vision of one of our children calling Jamie “Daddy” and I started balling. On Sunday during the last little bit of worship music, I cried quietly (well mostly quietly) in the back, then after service I quickly dashed out because I felt like I was an emotional grenade that could fall apart at any moment and was extremely embarrassed about being such a giant mess.

Usually, I am the one who has everything together, but come to think of it I have had several really embarrassing and ill-timed break downs lately. For example, one of my best friends and I met for appetizers at Coopers Ale House. She mentioned that her and her husband pray for God to bless us with children every day. Not a whole lot to say to that except…LETS GET READY TO CRUMBLE (and tears commence). Haha! Thankfully, good friends aren’t embarrassed by being with that weird ugly crier at the bar.

If you are reading this and you are also in a period of waiting on God, be assured that He is good! Every good gift comes from Him! He loves us even when we are a mascara-smeared mess. So to you, may I propose a toast…to letting your emotional freak flag fly!!