For those of you following our story, you may be wondering
what in the world is going on with us in our infertility journey and the short
answer is a little bit of something, mostly nothing, but hopefully something
soon. Since January we have been trying from home to get pregnant while also
trying to save up for fertility treatments. I take Letrozole (aka Femara) every
month to make me ovulate, but so far no second line on the pregnancy tests. Every
cycle month after month, it is so frustrating to see hopes dashed till you kind
of stop hoping (or mostly) because it is just too hard. Saving this year has
been a lot more difficult for us than in previous years, so even though we have
saved up some it was not where I was hoping we would be.
When I started this year, my thought was I really wanted to
give God one year to see what he would or could do to help us get pregnant
without IVF. To lay before him this year and ask him for a miracle child that
wouldn't involve us spending quite as much to get there...where it was clear
that he should get the glory, AND that a large portion of our small savings
could go towards a better family vehicle. We own a 1995 and a 1998 car and one
of those is a 2-door, which is beyond ideal with car seats. If I believe God is
both the King of the universe and an intimate friend, I can pray big prayers
and lay before Him all my needs and the desires of my heart. He may not answer
both or either of these big requests with a yes, but at least I am doing my
part to pray for these things.
Because we have been trying to save money and because I haven't really wanted
to deal with the emotions of it, I have avoided going to talk to my fertility
doctor about what really happened with the miscarriages and talk about next
steps. Well on Friday, I put on my big girl panties and I went. Jamie and I
always think that getting pregnant in August, September, and October is the most
ideal scenario because it wouldn't put me having a baby in the middle of tax
season and it works out so much better with my teaching schedule. So we talked
about doing something to try and increase our chances for those months. In the
end we talked about doing maybe 1 or 2 IUI's (Interuterine Insemination)
starting in September. So my thought was if I go to my Dr.'s appointment, maybe
we can get some answers and talk about doing an IUI next month. Basically, IUI
is about $1,000 for each try, which is not cheap; however, it isn't the $15,000
for IVF. Reversely, our chances aren't as great either though (different
sources have given us between a 3% and 12% chance). Jamie and I actually did 2
IUI's that were unsuccessful before moving onto IVF. I struggle with the
emotion of feeling like, "Could this really work?" and "Isn't
that moving backward?", but any month you have even the slightest increase
in chance of pregnancy is worth considering when you desire to have a baby.
At my Dr.'s appointment on Friday we discussed some tests that I could have done
to see if I have MTHFR (a gene that causes your body to not absorb folic acid
correctly) and a few other things, but she thinks my miscarriages are due to
genetic abnormalities in the embryos. After that she suggested we do an
ultrasound to see if my uterus was clear from the previous losses. As I lay
there waiting for the ultrasound tech, I started sobbing. So many emotions came
rushing back. The last time I was I getting an ultrasound in that room I was
having bleeding from my last pregnancy, but we were seeing a glimmer of hope
because we could see the little baby sac formed inside. Here I was about to see
that same womb without that child and coincidentally about a week and a half
after the due date of that baby. I tried to gather myself together, but when
the same ultrasound tech from our last appointment came in, I just turned into
a puddle of tears. She was so sweet and understanding about all of it, but I
felt like I had the wind knocked out of me.
As we did the ultrasound, we discovered that all was clear and I have 2 eggs
developing this month from the fertility drugs I was already on for an at home
try. So my Dr. suggested we start the IUI process over the next few days to try
and catch these eggs. Huh? An IUI process like now? Like as in the next few
days? Like whaa??? I understood why she was suggesting this and it makes
logical sense, but my emotions were AND are still trying to catch up with what
is going on. After talking about it Jamie and I agreed that we would go for it.
Also, because I didn't need to have regular monitoring like in a normal IUI,
this cycle would be less expensive than the average cost of a cycle. Is this
how God is trying to help us save us money or will this end in heartbreak? When
I booked this appointment it just happened to fall on my cycle day 12, but I
definitely did not request it. Did God pick this day for me to come? I still
don't know the answer to this. But here we are in the midst of all these questions and trying to make the best decisions we can! Jamie gave me my trigger shot last night, which should cause my ovulation to happen on Monday.
The other day I was reading over Hannah's story from The Bible, which I feel
like I have read over and over. But this time I felt like there was something
new he wanted to reveal just to me. As I sat there thinking through if I could
ever give Molly up after all the heartache it took to have her, I began getting
bitter. "God how could you let her give up her only child? Wasn't she so
beside herself? Couldn't you have given her more children?" I kept
reading...
"Each year his mother made him (Samuel her first born son) a little robe and took it to him
when she went up with her husband to offer the annual sacrifice. Eli (the
priest) would bless Elkanah and his wife, saying "May the Lord give you
children by this woman to take the place of the one she prayed for and gave to
the Lord." Then they would go home. And the Lord was gracious to
Hannah; she gave birth to three sons and two daughters."
Molly praying for a sibling.
So here I am again begging you for intercessory prayer. Please if you can pray
that God would work a miracle this month for us, we would really covet your
prayers. We have some specific needs that you could pray over including:
-that God would craft beautiful timing of both my procedure and my body's
timing
-that Jamie would have great swimmers
-that God would work a miracle pregnancy
-that he would protect our hearts from another loss and go before us so we
could have a healthy pregnancy and baby AND
-that the Lord would be gracious to us in our desire for another child
I struggle to even share this, because
the chances of success are so slim. I say this with love, but please don't come
up to me over the next few weeks and ask if it worked. Pray for us, but also
pretend like you know nothing if I see you because there is nothing worse than
not getting pregnant and having to tell everyone in person over and over. Chances
are high we probably won't be pregnant, but at the same time they are higher than they were from the other months this year.
We are so thankful to those of you who are on this journey with us and give us so much encouragement.
Today I faced a very sobering thing, boxing up
Molly's baby clothes and putting them in the attic. Every adorable garment reminded
me of just how tiny she was and how much she has grown. Unfortunately, it is
also a reminder that we are not pregnant or expecting another addition anytime
soon as I had hoped. Our IUI fertility treatment in August was not successful
and we did another IUI after that one (just a few weeks ago), which failed
also. Yet, I am trying to constantly remind myself that God's plans are greater
and better and higher than my plans... that time and time again He has proven
himself trustworthy and to rest in him. 
