Our 3rd Pregnancy and Miscarriage

At the end of the October, Jamie and I started our last frozen embryo transfer cycle. We were filled with hope and excitement that this was going to work.

We went in on the day of our transfer and everything seemed like it was going well. Of the two embryos they thawed (our last two), one seemed to be bouncing back well and the other was a little slower. Jamie claimed that the slower one was definitely his...I love his sense of humor!

Here are some pics of us with our embryo babies and our transfer.

5 days after transfer I got a positive pregnancy test and Jamie and I went out to celebrate. We were cautious and more nervous because of our early miscarriage in September, but we still wanted to celebrate the life we had right then. Because of that same philosophy we started telling people right away. My hcg levels were rising well with every blood test that I took. The first hcg test was a 46 (9dp 6dt). Three days later it was at 222. 4 days later it was at 1,157.

Then the next day everything changed. At 5 weeks 3 days, I started bleeding. Jamie and I rushed to the ER with Molly to see if we could find out anything, but after several hours they wouldn't give me an ultrasound and could offer nothing more than a "wait and see." The next day it seemed like it had slowed down a whole lot, which I took comfort in and went to work. Unfortunately, while I was having studio time with my night class I went to the bathroom on a break and what I saw was horrific. I was gushing huge clots of red blood. I came up with some excuse about a migraine and dismissed class early. On my hour drive home from Durham, I stopped at a gas station to use the bathroom and sobbed uncontrollably because I was certain that I was losing my baby. My heart was breaking into a million pieces. How could this be happening?

When I got home, Jamie and I laid in bed and I just cried. Choking back tears I started singing the words to "It is Well with My Soul" and Jamie joined in.

   "When peace like a river, attendeth my way,

   When sorrows like sea billows roll

   Whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say

   It is well, it is well, with my soul

   It is well

   With my soul

   It is well, it is well with my soul"
   -Horatio Spafford

God didn't answer all of my prayers with this pregnancy, but he did answer my early prayer that nothing - not even a loss - would take my love away from Him. 

The next day (Friday) my fertility practice got me in for an ultrasound. To our utter shock our baby was still there all nestled in my womb. Measuring right on schedule there was a gestational sac and a yoke sac. 

They tested my hcg levels and they had still risen from my results earlier that week, so maybe there was a chance. The ultrasound tech told me that I had a huge blood clot at my cervix and while she seemed nervous for us, our Dr. seemed cautiously optimistic that everything was going to be okay. I was told to lay down or sit as a much as possible and not lift anything heavier than a loaf of bread (aka no picking up Molly). Long story short on Monday (about 6 weeks pregnant), I went in for more bloodwork....my hcg level had fallen and I was in the middle of miscarrying our baby.

 

This is my third pregnancy and third miscarriage. I am tired of getting excited for new life and then having it ripped away from me. Yet, I do trust firmly in the goodness of God. This perfectly sums up my feelings about our losses. 

Is this our last pregnancy? My prayer is that it isn't. I am not ready to think that this is the end of our journey. 

Maybe I'm a Polyanna always looking for the happy ending...maybe I'd rather try as hard as I can to believe my 2nd child is still on their way to me than think its really over...maybe I feel like after all we've been through so publicly I feel pressure to wrap my pain and grief up in a nice little bow...and sometimes i think that maybe all this is so someone out there will know they aren't alone in the storm called infertility and miscarriage.

When Jamie and I started on our journey of infertility we both agreed that we longed to raise children whether biological or otherwise, but I have to say at least for now my heart has been spoiled by the sweet sweet gift of Molly. I say spoiled because she is a lavish gift from God that we do not deserve. She is 18 months now and I just can't get over how in love with her I am.

I see it as an extra special blessing that I get to see pieces of Jamie and I in her and I know this is not something every family is gifted with. Selfishly I long for her to have a younger sister that shares some of her traits. Many people have asked me about adoption and while we are open to it, right now my heart is not ready for that road and I wonder if that is even the road meant for us. Adoption is more expensive than another round of IVF and my heart's longing is to carry and deliver another child into this world. 

Yet, more than a biological sister I long for her to have a sister. I also think about my brothers... we fought and got on each others nerves sure. But we also laughed all the time. Growing up we moved around a lot (like seriously A LOT), but part of the safety during our moves was knowing that we were a family and we would always have each other.  My brothers and I may live in different cities, but my bonds with them are deep. During all this I have been thinking a lot about the importance of siblings. If you have been blessed with close relationships with your siblings what would your life have been like without them? For me it is painful to think about...

I have some secrets to tell you. When Jamie and I were engaged we dreamed together of how many children we wanted. In a very specific conversation we picked out two girl names. No boy names, just two girl names. The first one is Molly Joy and the second was Madison Jean. Now I know life usually doesn't work out how we plan it and I know God's ways are higher than my ways, but even with everything we have been through I long for a Madison Jean. Jamie and I during this pregnancy were really giddy with hopefulness that this little baby could be our Madison Jean. But this baby was not our Madison Jean. The baby we lost will be called some other name because naming them by that name would crack our hearts open more than they already are...it would be like throwing in the white flag... Right now I am still longing to raise our Madison Jean. It feels like a part of our family is missing without her.

So how am I doing? I might as well answer the question that everyone will ask me...My best answer is I am doing ok given the circumstances. I am getting lots of Molly snuggles in. I often hold her tight and do my best to slowly breathe in the precious moments I do have with her. It's been a little over two weeks since that scary night in the ER. I am doing a good job of keeping myself distracted from the pain and trying to soak in the joy of the Christmas season, but underneath all that I just wish I was still carrying our baby. I have lots of anxiety about crowds wanting to talk to me about it. One-on-one I am fine, but my fear is when lots of people are around that my taped together pieces will come unhinged. 

My ultimate prayer is that God shows up in some beautiful powerful way and allows us to get pregnant again. Is it totally illogical? Probably, but this is what Jamie and I are praying for. We have no more money to pursue additional fertility treatments or more children...at least not for now, so we would love it if you'd pray that God would work a miracle in our lives.