On 9/14/16 we transferred 2 of our little frozen embryo babies back to live in their mama. There is a lot of significance with this date. On 9/14/14 we had Molly and her sibling in heaven, Riley, transferred back into my body. Exactly, a 2 year difference in transfers! It wasn't something that we really planned out, but as we were looking back through Molly's embryo photos from the blog we realized the date and thought if we get pregnant they would have the exact same due date as Molly's.
We were super nervous about the thawing process and wondered if both would survive being thawed out. These were our weakest 2 embryos that had been frozen together in one vial. Thankfully, both survived the thaw and showed that they were growing. Below is a picture of our little embryo babies!
The transfer was quick and pretty painless. I remember I was suppose to arrive with a full bladder so they could have better images through a sonogram of where to drop my kiddos off, but I ended up having to do pee dances in the patient room waiting on the drs and eventually begged the nurse in the hall to let me pee "just a little bit." If you have ever tried to stop mid-pee...well let's just say it is not natural, but I managed. They gave us our first sonogram photo of the babies in my uterus.
They also gave us the vial where both of our embryo babies have been stored for exactly 2 years. Can you believe it is this small?
Our transfer was on a Wednesday and Saturday afternoon (3 days past our transfer), I got a positive pregnancy test! I was shocked! Last time I planned this grand elaborate pregnancy reveal to my Jamie, but I knew that I couldn't keep it in this time because he was home and every second of me not telling him felt like I was lying. So I wrote a card to him letting him know we were pregnant and secretly booked a babysitter so I could surprise him with a date night out to celebrate. As he read the card, he was shocked that we knew this soon. I showed him the test and he agreed that it was faint but positive. We kissed Molly goodnight and dashed off for a celebratory date!
The next morning, I took another test expecting it to be darker, but it wasn't. This worried me a lot, but that afternoon I took another test and I felt like the line was getting darker so that put me at ease. We began sharing with friends over the next few days our wonderful news. I remember distinctly feeling nauseous, having an increased sensation in smells, and feeling very very tired....you know the soaking your pillow with drool kind of tired. Over the next couple of days my tests got darker, but then I couldn't tell anymore. Were my positive lines fading away? In the back of my mind I had this nagging feeling that we better hurry up and celebrate this pregnancy before it's over with.
Unfortunately, that is what happened. I went in for bloodwork, which confirmed that I was pregnant, but my hcg level by that point was only 8. Ideally, they would like it to be between 25 and 100 for the first draw at 4 weeks pregnant. I was told to prepare to lose the baby very early, but that we would know more after another bloodtest. My prayer was that God would protect us from leading us weeks through a pregnancy that would only end in a miscarriage anyway. He answered that prayer. A few days later my bloodtest results showed an hcg level of 0. Often this is called a chemical pregnancy or very early miscarriage.
It sounds strange to say, but I was really thankful that we got to celebrate with people and tell them we were pregnant. A lot of people wouldn't even share information like this with close friends, let alone the world through a blog, but some wise friend once told me "Whoever you would share your sadness of miscarriage with - share your joy of pregnancy with." I have always held onto that. There were more people we wanted to share the news with early, but never got the chance to.
Thinking back on this whole frozen embryo transfer I was kind of floating above a lot of emotional pain - resting in the worldly security that we have more embryos and it wasn't the end of our story. After talking with my doctor today, she suggests we take a month off, pursue an endometrial biopsy & scratch to make sure my uterus is a healthy environment, and then go for one more transfer with our last two embryos. This means our safety net is going away. What if this last transfer doesn't work either? This could potentially be our last chance to have more children of our own, which terrifies me. Jamie and I are asking ourselves if we should really use both at one time.
While thinking about this today, I was prayerfully brought back into a place of repentance. I have been so focused on what I want and how I want to build our family instead of seeking how God wants to build our family. We feel strongly that we need to pursue putting back the rest of our embryos, but there is the possibility that we might not get pregnant. Maybe Molly is the first and last biological child we have and God wants to lead us down other avenues, like adoption. I have to admit that right now that deeply hurts to write. Emotionally, I am not ready to face that yet. My hope and prayer is still that God would bless us with more biological children before we consider if adopting is right for us. For now we would love your prayers that God would bless us with a healthy pregnancy and child (or children) from our upcoming and possibly last frozen embryo transfer.
This has been the song in my head all day and it seems to perfectly fit my feelings today.
"In the eye of the storm, You remain in control
In the middle of the war, You guard my soul
You alone are the anchor, when my sails are torn
Your love surrounds me, in the eye of the storm
When my hopes and dreams are far from me, and I’m running out of faith
I see the future I pictured slowly fade away
And when the tears of pain and heartache are pouring down my face
I find my peace in Jesus' name"
-Ryan Stevenson
"Eye of the Storm"
https://youtu.be/-sx8wTnnfSc
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