Let me just start by saying this Mother's Day 2015 I have so much to be thankful for. In particular, I am extremely blessed to have a healthy pregnancy and be preparing for the arrival of our first daughter, due June 2nd. Yet, I have to be honest that this year I am having a lot of mixed emotions about this day.
Last year, I remember waking up, thinking I would be fine, going to church, and barely making it through the door before my heart felt like it was going to burst into a million pieces. After crying on a few friends shoulders, I put my sunglasses on and sat in the back row of the sanctuary. People were saying the sweetest things to me, knowing that it was a hard day, but it just made it harder for me to keep it together. At that point, I was pretty embarrassed because I IN NO WAY wanted my own struggle to take away from Moms who really needed and deserved to be honored. 10 minutes into service, I snuck out. I went home, set up my hammock in the yard, listened to music, prayed, cried, and made myself a safe zone where I could just acknowledge the heartache of infertility.
This year's Mother's Day is met by a different heartache for me, in that it lines up with my 36th week of pregnancy, which would have been the twins birthday. 36 weeks of pregnancy is considered full-term for mothers carrying twins. So in many ways, this day feels more like a remembrance of the miscarriage of Riley than a celebration of the life growing inside of me. I have had so many people tell us that we should really celebrate this first mother's day together, but something about that just doesn't sit right with me given our circumstances. In lots of ways, I feel more like a mom to Riley than I do to the baby girl I have not yet birthed into this world. Believe me I know that is strange. I also wonder about mom's who have children on this earth, but experienced a loss of a child or a miscarriage this year...does Mother's Day feel like a harder day to celebrate? Many mother's have never experienced a loss of a child, but have lost their own mom's and I am sure that is quite conflicting as well.
I don't want my first Mother's day to be filled with sadness. Soooooooo I am proclaiming that next year is going to be my First (celebrated) Mother's Day.
On a much lighter note...Can I also just tease about HOW NOT FAIR it is that just a few days or weeks after I go through hours and maybe days of labor, birth a human out of my lady parts, and am in the throws of major bodily recuperation ...probably wearing pads that, let's be honest, might as well be adult diapers that Jamie...yes Jamie... gets to celebrate HIS First Father's Day. Seriously? That is a joke right? I know that sounds selfish, but I am a little bitter. Thankfully, we laugh about it together and I think he recognizes the injustice of the situation. This is also why I told him that he better really plan something special for me next year! Being a planner, I will say that I did go ahead and buy all his Father's Day gifts in advance. A little something sentimental with a few things really practical that he needs.
Thanks for reading! Thanks for listening! Thanks for supporting us through some of the hard stuff, but also celebrating with us as we prepare for this new bundle of joy coming very soon!
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