Using Times Of Waiting and Suffering To Be Productive and Trusting in The Lord

A lot has happened since my last few postings. Late August, September, and early October were especially difficult to get through knowing that our future of when we were going to be able to move forward with our infertility battle relied very heavily on Jamie finding a full-time permanent position. Slowly throughout the past several months we have been forced to face the reality that our dreams of pursuing children is not financially feasible right now. Jamie was able to secure a tax position for this spring, which we are so thankful for. However, it is temporary and that part does mean that our plans to move forward with our infertility journey is seriously on hold...maybe even for a year or more. So a lot of the reason I have not written lately is because being hopeful right now is too painful and thinking or writing about waiting another year to even move forward with the next step is extremely hard. With all that said, I am learning a lot during this period of waiting and would love to take this opportunity to share some of that with you!

Productivity 
The first thing that I am learning (and even as I write this is still sinking in) is that waiting is not just about painfully sitting down and watching time go by. God wants me to use this period of waiting to be be useful, fruitful, and productive. Daily I am taking steps to grow my business and be a great wife to the my husband. This is biblically based on Proverbs 31 verses 10-31.

Proverbs 31: 10-31 
Epilogue: The Wife of Noble Character
10 A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. 11 Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. 12 She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life. 13 She selects wool and flax and works with eager hands. 14 She is like the merchant ships, bringing her food from afar. 15 She gets up while it is still dark; she provides food for her family and portions for her servant girls. 16 She considers a field and buys it; out of her earnings she plants a vineyard. 17 She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks. 18 She sees that her trading is profitable, and her lamp does not go out at night. 19 In her hand she holds the distaff and grasps the spindle with her fingers. 20 She opens her arms to the poor and extends her hands to the needy. 21 When it snows, she has no fear for her household; for all of them are clothed in scarlet. 22 She makes coverings for her bed; she is clothed in fine linen and purple. 23 Her husband is respected at the city gate, where he takes his seat among the elders of the land. 24 She makes linen garments and sells them, and supplies the merchants with sashes. 25 She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come. 26 She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue. 27 She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. 28 Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: 29 "Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all." 30 Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised. 31 Give her the reward she has earned, and let her works bring her praiseat the city gate. 

This verse applies to me a lot as I seek to grow my business and make profitable decisions and investments. I have to admit that I love this verse also, because it is empowering to women. It also means that I don't have to sit in a corner and cry for the next year in anguish. I can rejoice, pursue clients, and get busy using that time with the talents God has given me.

Suffering
The other thing that I am learning through this is that I should be joyful during my period of suffering. I know this sounds like a crazy pill to swallow and I by no means have fully digested this. I am just now starting to semi-accept and semi-understand this. In Acts Chapter 5 verses 40 and 41 the Apostles were persecuted for preaching the good news of Jesus and were whipped. After being whipped they left "rejoicing that they were counted worthy to suffer dishonor for the name." Every time I read this, I just think ....SAY WHAAA??? If someone beat me or purposefully made me suffer, my first instinct is not to run around singing and dancing with joy. Yet, this is what we are called to do in the verse below.   

James 1:2-4
Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.

Have you ever seen what you think is the perfect family? They have a sweet spirit, a husband and wife who love each other, kids who seem happy, are financially doing okay, and own their own home? Well, I have and my first thought is "man God really loves them and must be blessing the living crap out of them because they are so much less sinful than I am." This is a lie that I am slowly dismantling in my life. The truth is the Apostles suffered greatly for their belief in Christ. Their suffering was not a punishment for things they did in college...opps I mean in their past. 

Trust

Several weeks ago when Jamie was in a job interview, I was driving in the car and my prayer was not that Jamie would get the job, but rather that God's will would be done. I actually recall saying "God you know Jamie's personality and the personality of the people who work for this company. I completely trust you to open or close this door based on what you think is best for Jamie." God ended up closing the door, but I still trust that it was for the best. Through everything I am learning to trust God in this journey of waiting. 

My goal for the next year or so of waiting is to use this time of waiting wisely and to be productive with it. Also, to try and wrap my head around this idea of suffering joyfully for the Lord and trusting in his perfect timing. 

Warrior Women of The Infertility Infantry

This blog is a happy post about thankfulness! Sometimes I can get so mopy about all of the struggles that Jamie and I are going through, but truly I am extremely blessed and have so much to be thankful for...a wonderful husband, awesome friends, a great (rental) home that we are in love with, a wonderful church, and, best of all, an Awesome God! But lately, I have felt especially thankful for the warrior women of the infertility infantry.

Say whaaaat?? This group I refer to is made up of women who have been through infertility struggles for years and came out on the other end as mothers. Most of these women struggled for 5, 7, 10, 12+ years before becoming the moms they are today. In my church, there are several women from this club and I cannot tell you how much being in community with these women has meant to me!! I have had several women from this club mentor me, pray for me, and encourage me that God is still with me and we will have children in his perfect timing! Major sigh of thankfulness for all of their wisdom!

I call them the infantry because boy do they have spiritual war wounds! I also think the longer they were in the throws of infertility, the more revered they are for their wisdom. Like a little boy sitting next to his father listening closely to his war stories on the very edge of their seat, so I enjoy sitting and hearing all about their infertility journeys. Why? Because they give me hope! One of the things that I love about their stories is when their little ones come in and interrupt the conversation, because it is like jumping toward the back of a good book to see the happy ending of their story.

These women adopted, went through ivf, went through iui's, tried different medications, got poked and prodded, had their husbands tested for infertility markers, and the list goes on! All of them seem like they handled it differently. Some tell me "I just completely checked out after the 5th year" and "I did not handle my infertility very gracefully" (yeah I understand being in that club). I remember after my first negative pregnancy test thinking, "Oh God what if this takes us a year to get pregnant? I am not strong enough for that." I laugh about that now, because you never know what you can handle. The spiritual strength of these women is awe inspiring! Throughout this past year and a half I have really felt so loved on by these women! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

Proverbs 31:26 says
"She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue."

Tears, Insomnia, & A Constantly Changing Road

One thing about infertility is that almost nothing is what it seems. For months you can prepare yourself, pray, and plan for what steps to take next, but then out of nowhere you learn one new piece of evidence that means all plans have to change…again. After developing a plan with our doctor on how to move forward only two weeks ago, some recent test results that he ran ended up changing the infertility path we are suggested to take and, as per the uninvited trend during this process, proved that our next step was going to financially “up the ante” so-to speak.

As most couples who have struggled with infertility will tell you, it is not cheap and because of finances there ends up being a lot of months of waiting. So the waiting months turn into months for planning the hopeful months and stashing away money in savings like a squirrel hiding away nuts for winter. Unfortunately, in our case the most recent news of higher medical bills really has me losing sleep.

In fact, I can’t sleep now despite it being 3am so I thought I would do something semi-productive and write this blog. Odd thing about not sleeping is that I actually remember all of my husband’s sleep ramblings. Usually, they don’t phase me or bother me when I am knocked out, but when I can’t sleep, well let’s just say they contribute to a pretty good laugh the next day. Like tonight for instance Jamie yelled out “Wait! Hey! Can you get me the…(fade off into gibberish).”  Right after that he said “Okay! Cool! Thanks! I owe you one!” The weirdest ones are when I have my laptop on in bed late at night, I cough, and fully asleep he gets his face really close to see me with his eyes opened wide and says something random like “Can you get me teeth from the grocery store?” As the blue glow from my laptop makes this all the more creepy, I generally lay still like a drunk ghost was interrogating me until he rolls back over.

Another thing that the latest news has revealed is lots of tears and emotions. Have you ever seen “Something’s Gotta Give” with Diane Keaton and Jack Nicholson? Of course you have! Well remember that scene after they have their first kind of break-up and she cries A LOT. Yeah, let’s just say I can relate. However, it is not always sad tears. Sometimes I don’t know what the heck they are for! Earlier today, I had this vision of one of our children calling Jamie “Daddy” and I started balling. On Sunday during the last little bit of worship music, I cried quietly (well mostly quietly) in the back, then after service I quickly dashed out because I felt like I was an emotional grenade that could fall apart at any moment and was extremely embarrassed about being such a giant mess.

Usually, I am the one who has everything together, but come to think of it I have had several really embarrassing and ill-timed break downs lately. For example, one of my best friends and I met for appetizers at Coopers Ale House. She mentioned that her and her husband pray for God to bless us with children every day. Not a whole lot to say to that except…LETS GET READY TO CRUMBLE (and tears commence). Haha! Thankfully, good friends aren’t embarrassed by being with that weird ugly crier at the bar.

If you are reading this and you are also in a period of waiting on God, be assured that He is good! Every good gift comes from Him! He loves us even when we are a mascara-smeared mess. So to you, may I propose a toast…to letting your emotional freak flag fly!! 

Ready To Press The Play Button

A little catch up on where we have been and a hope of where we are going...Jamie and I knew early on that we were going to have male-factor fertility issues, but we never would have foreseen that I was going to contribute to our struggles too. After trying for a while, my obgyn decided to run some tests on me. It was last July when we learned that I do not ovulate. At first it was crushing, but now I am almost at peace with it because it means that the whole weight of our infertility struggles doesn't just rest on Jamie. Strangely and because of God's goodness He has used this to bring us closer together.

For the next 8 months, we were both prescribed all kinds of drugs and vitamins to see if any of those would be the ticket. This past March, Jamie and I underwent an IUI (Intrauterine Insemination) procedure. For those of you who are lucky enough to not know what this is, feel free to learn a little bit more about it here. The average cost for the procedure is about $600 to $700 a month with fertility medications. We were sad to learn that it was not God's time for us to get pregnant and that the IUI was unsuccessful. Shortly after that, I lost my job due to budget cuts. Jamie and I then decided to put our family growth plans on hold for a little while until we felt more financially stable with jobs and insurance. That really has been kind of hard because every month that goes by, though technically we are still trying, is basically being wasted in waiting mode. Some might say..."well you never know"....and while I do believe God can work miracles, our realistic chance of getting pregnant without fertility drugs and treatment is pretty close to 0%.

We are now getting into a period of time where we have been saving for the past year and are hoping that this fall, and potentially even in the next few weeks, God will open up a door for Jamie to work as an accountant so that we can feel stable enough to move forward with getting more treatments. During this time God has also really surprised Jamie and I with extra income from my business, which has been another great way to save for our family.

With our hope that Jamie will soon have his days full working, we felt like it was smart to meet with a new specialist while he has a more flexible schedule during the day. So this week Jamie and I had an appointment with the local fertility doctor to discuss options and come up with a plan. Previously, we were seeing my ob/gyn who also does some infertility treatments, but is not a true infertility specialist. Our prayer the night before our appointment this week was "God we know You are the only one who can create life. We put our trust only in You and, yet, we hope You can use this doctor's hands to help You do your work."

The next day after checking in for our appointment, we were brought in the back to a second waiting area where there are two chairs placed in front of what some call "the baby board." Even as I write it, I hear The Wizard of Oz voice saying it ...THE BABY BOARD. The baby board is two huge bulletin boards covered in pictures of babies that this doctor helped couples conceive. Though we kind of knew it was an emotional ploy, we were fine with it! Jamie and I could have sat in those chairs all day! The best part of the baby board....seeing pictures of twins!!! Almost half of the pictures seemed like they were of multiples. Some people get freaked out by seeing all of the twins, but for Jamie and I that would be a dream come true. Every time a doctor has ever explained to us the "risk" of multiples, we have always said "Yes. Please". Well now we are just getting greedy huh?

The meeting with the doctor went great and we think we have formed a great "plan of action" so to speak for the next several months on how we are going to move forward. More to come on that later! For now all I can say is that we are feeling really hopeful. The financial aspect of infertility can be really stressful, so I am hoping for peace in that area specifically. Right now I feel like a little kid who has his hand hovering over the play button excited for what will come next.

Hide It Under A Bushel - NO! I'm Gonna Let It Shine!

In October 2009, I married the most loving husband a girl could ask for. For those of you that don't know Jamie and I met on match.com and immediately fell in love. After being an on-line dater for over 7 years and kissing a lot of frogs, I finally found the man God had set aside for me. We were engaged within 3 months of our first date and married 5 months after that. All I can say is when you know...you know! One of the things that I immediately liked about Jamie was his love for children and our matched desired to start a family.

Jamie and I have been struggling with infertility for several years, but this past year and a half has really been the hardest for us. About this time last year, I was in church while my mind was wondering off from the sermon and onto our infertility struggles...opps. However, I distinctly felt like the Lord started speaking to me and telling me that we shouldn't keep our story a secret. He assured me that by being open with people about our journey, though hard, in the end would bring glory to him. Quickly after that Jamie and I opened up to members of our small group and went to the elders for prayer. Our pastor immediately put me in touch with women who had gone through the same struggles and I cannot put into words how blessed I have been by the relationships with these women. 

By three separate women in the church I have been told that in this day and age there are so many options both medically and with regards to adoption, that "...you will be a mother. It is just a matter of when and how God wants to create your family." This has been the most comforting thing ever said to Jamie and I and the funny thing is I believe this is biblically based. This brings me to Psalm 113 verse 9

"He settles the childless woman in her home as a happy mother of children. Praise the Lord." 

As an early 20-something right out of college, this verse really had an effect on me as I watched a good friend, Michelle, struggle with infertility. At the time I was stupid, naive, and said everything that you aren't suppose to say to a women struggling with infertility. I remember one time sending her an e-mail just apologizing for all of the stupid things that I said and just letting her know that even though everything that was coming out of my mouth was the wrong thing to say, I did have a heart for her. One day after I moved away from the Charlotte area, I got a phone call from a friend of hers that she was pregnant. I literally dropped the phone, wept on the floor, and praised God for his goodness. Michelle is now "a happy mother of children. Praise the Lord." Three children to be exact!

Hearing stories of infertility reminds me that it is important as believers to share our struggles so that the journey he leads us on can bring glory to Him.