Let me first say this is not the Part 3 blog that I wrote and wanted to share. This is.....hard to share and not the way I wanted this part of our journey to be. As I write this I feel like my heart is going to beat out of my chest. At 6 weeks and 6 days pregnant, Jamie and I found out that our dreams were coming true and we were pregnant with twins. We were so excited! As we heard both of our babies hearts beating, I broke down with thanksgiving. Having twins had always been a deep desire in our hearts and we celebrated the news with so much joy and many happy phone calls to people. On our 5 year anniversary trip to Bryson City, NC, we shared the news of our pregnancy on Facebook, which was so much fun and we were overwhelmed with support. We decided not to share our news quite yet about the twins. We figured we would wait to share that news a little later.
Over the next two weeks, we talked to the babies, did research on double strollers, got great advice from people who have had twins, and were excited for our due date to be moved up from June 2nd to May 11th, since twins come around 36 weeks instead of the normal 40/41 with a singleton pregnancy.
Unfortunately, a lot of that joy and excitement was put on hold at our 9 week ultrasound, when something right away seemed off. The tech was very quiet and said she didn't like how one of the babies was looking. Tears started immediately falling down my face and Jamie and I were holding hands so tightly as we waited for her to keep looking. We could see both gestational sacs, but could not make out a clear outline of the baby in the sac she was looking at. Then she broke the news that "Baby B died." It felt like a bomb exploded in the room. No words can explain the sadness as I laid there feeling helpless.
The tech showed us "Baby A" and let us know that baby was looking very healthy and had good a heart rate (in the 170s). I think the tech felt so bad that she turned on the 4D ultrasound so we could see and bond with the baby we still had with us. After she left the room, Jamie and I had a good cry before going to talk to my new ob doctor, which I still hadn't met yet, about the loss. When she came in the room she showed so much compassion for us and talked about her own loss of a baby in her first trimester and how hard it was. She even said "you have a child in heaven." Wow! I cannot tell you how glad I was at that moment that I had done my research and switched to her from my last ob/gyn. She reassured me that this was something completely out of my hands and not caused by anything that I did. Because our next ultrasound wasn't scheduled for another month, she said "I don't want you to have any extra stress worrying for a whole month in between ultrasounds, so I am going to have you come back for another one in two weeks."
That night and the rest of that week was really hard. In my dreams when I slept, all I could hear was "Baby B died" in the exact voice of our ultrasound tech. The one thing that has brought us so much comfort is prayer and worship. The morning after hearing about our loss, I listened to worship music and praised God for His goodness because even though I was hurting and sad I "...do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope" (1 Thessalonians 4:13). Even though I was heartbroken, God had still sent His Son Jesus to be brutally crucified for me and this loss didn't change that fact.
Jamie and I decided that we didn't want to miss any work and that work might be a good distraction for us. Somehow we were given enough strength to get through those first few days at work (even with lots of nausea from the baby I am still carrying), but in the evenings we would spend time comforting each other, grieving, letting the emotions flow, and the sadness made us physically exhausted. We prayed and continue to pray for the baby we still have with us.
Part of me felt really cold for going back to work right away, but I was reminded of 2 Samuel 12:15-23 when King David's learns about his child's death (after he had been mourning, praying & fasting for days) he immediately gets up and resumes his normal activities. His servants couldn't believe it and thought he was heartless, but essentially talks about going to be with his child in heaven one day and the peace that brought him.
Jamie and I named the child that we have in heaven Riley, since we don't know if it was a boy or a girl. The truth is after so many years of infertility, it just didn't seem fair to have to go through this. It downright sucked and it still sucks. Sometimes that is just comforting in and of itself to acknowledge.
Thankfully, I am still very pregnant with one child, though I am still in my first trimester and praying for their health. During a 10 week appointment, they tried checking heartbeat which they eventually found through another very very quick ultrasound. I could clearly see Baby A dancing on the screen and everything seemed good. Sadly, I can still see Baby B's body right next to them, but with no heartbeat. Jamie and I are trying to emotionally prepare ourselves to be happy and sad at every ultrasound because we will see Baby A and Baby B. The medical term for this is "Vanishing Twin Syndrome" and likely my body will reabsorb Baby B's body since it was so small when it died.
I have a bunch of fears at this point. My first fear is that Baby A will pass away too. Secondly, I am worried about bonding with the baby we still have and being able to enjoy the pregnancy I do have. It may seem odd, but I feel emotionally closer to Riley because they have a name and I can picture them up in heaven on Jesus' lap...maybe even playing an instrument for Him if they inherited their daddy's musical gifts. (tear) Lastly, I am fearful about all of the emotional grenades that will go off - the May 11th twins due date, the odd and sometimes unintentionally hurtful things people will say, the shame I feel about crying in front of people, and one day telling this baby about their twin brother or sister in heaven. These are the things I would really love some extra prayers about.
Thank you for letting me make this blog a place where I can be open and honest about what is going on in my life. Writing is extremely healing for me. Jamie and I know we are still extremely blessed to even be pregnant at all given all we have gone through to get here. My hope is that when I am feeling a little bit better emotionally and physically, I would love to share with you the pictures and story of how I revealed to Jamie that we are pregnant.
