A lot has happened since I last wrote. This winter was extremely hard and I
know that I am not the only one who felt this way. Sleet, ice, rain, snow, and drudgery
seemed to be the common denominator in my life and perhaps in yours as well. The
bad weather was combined with failed months of trying to conceive, and I had
some very real moments of bitterness and begging with the Lord. Though it seems
cliché, I did ask Him “why?” a lot. Then
came the sunshine.
The sun started to peak through across the beautiful state of North Carolina
and around the same time God began revealing a few possible answers to my “Why”
questions. I had applied to some academic positions a few months back and calls
and e-mails started rolling in for interviews. Last summer, when I submitted
applications, they were to places that Jamie and I really did not want to move
to, but we thought “what the heck let’s just put our name in the pot and see
what happens”. Needless to say, though I struggled with some feelings of
rejection, our general response was that we were almost relieved that God
closed doors for us and we were able to stay in Greensboro. The interesting
thing was that last summer I came up with a list of schools that I wanted to
keep on my radar in terms of places Jamie and I would enjoy moving to. Let me
just say that list was extremely small. Early this year, many of the schools
that were on my list had position vacancies, so I eagerly applied.
Just this week, I participated in an all day campus visit (read as all day
interview) at one of those schools. The discussions that day seemed like they
went extremely well and the experience was beyond anything I was expecting. Many
of my teaching goals and objectives aligned well with their student-focused culture
and to be honest, it seems like the perfect fit.
So now what? Jamie and I will be waiting for several weeks on a decision, but
this waiting is different than one I have experienced before. I feel truly at
peace with God’s decision for us to move or God’s decision for us to stay. I
can see benefits to both and Jamie and I are 100% on the same page, which has
been such a blessing. After moving to Greensboro Jamie repeatedly kept saying
that he hoped we could settle here forever. Last year, Jamie and I visited the
place where this position is located and I remember him saying very calmly, “I
could see us living here.” I remember looking at him, with a “really?” face. The
crazy thing is there were no academic positions in the area at that time and I saw
no possible way for God to move us there, but now all of that has changed.
If we were to move, our lives would change very rapidly and we would be packing
to leave Greensboro by mid-summer. However, our deepest desire is that whether
we stay or we go God will bring us children. My biggest worry is how these two
possible worlds could combine in harmony…world one being a new academic
position and world two being the dream to be a mom. I often whine to God and I
have realized that a lot of my whining comes from the fact that I am not in control.
But at some point throughout this spring, it dawned on me that if I was given the
freedom to choose any of the possible outcomes for our lives in this next year
and put together a seamless plan that the weight of that choice would be
extremely heavy and I would very likely choose the wrong path. It was in that
moment I realized the true freedom of my faith, which is that God knows me even
better than I know myself and He is working all of these things out with my
best interest in mind. Does that mean He always gives me everything I want? No.
However, He does deeply love me, know me, and care for me every day.
One area that often is the most sad for me, is the idea of leaving all of our
close friends behind. However, I feel like God also revealed something by
showing me that a lot of our close friends are either moving away in the next year
OR they are beginning to have their own families and will be more preoccupied
with young children. I often tease my friends, that if we move I want you to
move with us, and if we stay you have to stay with us. The truth of this
concept is that I want the world to revolve around me. Well, I am just being
honest. We all have our self-absorbed moments and I certainly have too many of
them. Regardless, Jamie and I have been so blessed with amazing friends and
mentors.
As the Episcopalians like to say at the end of their services, “Send us now
into the world in peace, and grant us strength and courage to love and serve
you.” The reoccurring theme this spring has been to throw open the gates and the
realm of possibilities and to let him choose for us and rest in the peace that
he will meet our needs. My prayers at this point are not that I get this
position, but rather that God closes the door if this is not the right fit. To
me that would be just as good of an answer.
